As close as earthly possible

I am trying something for the first time using my Galaxy Tablet to write a blog using the voice to type feature. So I should warn you that there will likely be many typos.

Yesterday I’ve traveled with our good friends the Sorensens to visit the kansas city temple for the open house. It wIll be dedicated next sunday and has been open for 4 weeks previous to the dedication for anyone who is interested to visit. It was special to go through the tour with my son Jeremiah and to be able to testify to him and teach him the doctrine that families can be together forever and that we will be with those babies we have lost for eternity. To me the Temple represents the place where God dwells where I want to be after my life on earth is over. It is a place where generations are connected together through the priesthood’s sealing power. I was reminded yesterday why it is important for Garrett and I to go to the temple together often especially to help us through the emotional pain connected to the loss we have just experienced. It seems that the sorrow I feel is very related to the disappointment of unrealized expectations. Though we have been through this before this time feels different because we will not be trying again for a baby due to the physical dificulties suffered through this past pregnancy. So I am trying to focus my mind and heart on the miracle of having two healthy boys who bring such joy to my soul. I am willing to wait for heaven for the blessing of more children. I find that it gives me more motivation to follow the teachings of Jesus and live worthy of the blessings of eternity that are so beautifully symbolized in the Temple.
For any of my friends who may be reading this who are not familiar with the LDS Temples and why they are central to our faith, feel free to ask me any questions via email or you can go to www.mormon.org to the section on temples to learn more. Thanks to all of my family and friends for your prayers and support during these past 3 months. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! – Jeanie Anderson

Will it Blend? (relating to our loss)

Since I seem to have a few more people paying attention to my blog during this time, I thought I would share something that might be meaningful to you as it was to me. I have
a wonderful cousin named Jerie who is 10 years or so older than I am.   I have looked up
to her throughout my life.   She has been struggling for a few years now with a very young onset of Parkinson’s disease. She has a beautiful perspective on life, and expresses it in very insightful and poetic way through her writings on her blog.  I am posting a portion of an entry she made in January that touched my heart and strengthened me as I battled my body’s problems these past few months. So, here it is, enjoy! (used with permission)

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Will it Blend? written by Jerie Jacobs, January 2011

 

On  Christmas morning when the grand-kids had opened everything in sight, one very large package remained untouched behind the couch. (I know what you’re thinking. No, it wasn’t a  Red Ryder BB gun.) Bob pushed it toward me with a half-sheepish, half-excited grin on his face.  It was a Blendtec–you know, one of those multi-function-super-blenders that doubles as a cement-mixer. Yep.  Bob had wandered into COSTCO the day before, looking for athletic socks. He wandered out with two pizzas and a Blendtec, socks forgotten as visions of smoothies danced in his  head.

 

Can I tell you, I dig the Blendtec? Best toy I’ve had in years. Every day we pull fruits and veggies out of the fridge or freezer and concoct some amazing smoothie creation.  So far I have successfully suppressed my almost-daily urges to toss some oddment or other into it. I go into Ralphie-esque trances envisioning Dad’s crescent wrenches or half a dozen pairs of reading glasses or my entire ring of keys (clicker included) or the In-N-Out sandals from the laundry room shoe shelf whirling around with a mighty racket in our ferocious new machine. It probably wasn’t a great idea to watch so many “Will It Blend?” clips on YouTube.

 

http://www.youtube.com/user/Blendtec?blend=3&ob=0

 

I resist those more interesting urges in favor of bananas and strawberries and mangoes and such. Ya gotta love technology. I mean–I make my breakfast in a kitchen appliance that probably has more torque than my mini-van. The novelty has yet to wear off. Will it blend?

 

Anyway, I’m pulling out of a pretty rough patch with my Parkinson’s these past few months and I’ve been thinking about life.  I have come to the conclusion that, yes, it will blend. The love of God, the perfect atoning grace of Jesus Christ can handle anything that life throws at us. Sometimes, I confess, I look at a particular challenge or detail that gets tossed into the mix of mortality and I think, “No way. No can do. I didn’t order that. Where’s the milk and the honey? My jar is full. No more ingredients, please, especially not those ones.” Hard, rough-edged scraps of white-hot metal whirl around with thorns and nails and small, sharp bits of gravel from my shoes. And tears. Then atoning blood. And just when I fear that the noise and the grinding will overcome me, the shiny rotor-blades stop and I see that everything–the whole jar full–has become smooth and strong and somehow beautiful.  I take the cup in trembling hands, oddly grateful that it did not entirely pass from me. Holding it willingly, I notice that only a few drops sit in the bottom. Someone else has already taken the rest. All of it that was bitter or toxic or scalding has been swallowed up in His perfect love. What remains is clear and cool and slightly sweet and the taste of it on my tongue changes my face forever.

 

Blender philosophizing? That’s a first. But God is  good. His infinite mercy gets me through life’s rough, inexplicable, heart-rending challenges and gives me hope and power to rejoice. “The crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain.” (Isaiah 40:4) In other words: It will blend.

description of a difficult few days

I don’t have the energy emotionally or physically to write much now, but wanted to summarize briefly what has occurred in our lives these past few days. (written 4/21)

I was admitted Tuesday night to the Cox hospital in Springfield due to a fever
of 102.6, and evidence of dehydration (headache, chills etc.) which had led to the already intense nausea getting even worse.   They spent the night running tests and getting me stabilized with fluids and fever reducer.  I was very weak and my muscles were sore and I was in pain from he headache and the nausea.  Plus, I had a roommate, a nice older lady who had just had a hysterectame.  The pain meds she was on made her somewhat instable mentally. So she kept talking loudly throughout the night about things that were not related to the here and now.  Plus she kept getting out of bed trying to go places and one time she went to far from the bed and ended up pulling out her IV. That made things exciting pretty quick.

So after not much sleep, morning came, and I felt even worse than I had the previous day with crippling nausea, intense headache and no answers yet as to what was going on.  Also, I had developed a cough which was very persistent and hard to stop when it would start.
It seemed to antagonize the headache and the nausea both and compound my problems.
My OB-GYN came to see me at 8:30 am ( he had not been there the night before when I was admitted), told me he was pleased to see my temp had come down to 101, and explained that as of yet they did not know why I had the temp. He said most likely it was something viral like a respitory infection coming on perhaps.  That sort of
made sense to me since I had been starting into the cough, and my nose was stuffy.  He also said  they had scheduled an ultrasound for 10:30 am.  Garrett was scheduled to get there around 12 noon on his way back from Jeff City where he had spent the morning.

I was becoming nervous about being by myself for the ultrasound process, considering just over three years ago, I was by myself also when I found out our last baby no longer had a heartbeat within me.  With all that had been going on with my body I was really wondering if everything was ok with the baby.   But, I was trying not to let pessimism get the best of me.  The ultrasound tech had informed me that she couldn’t give me any results and I would have to wait until I got back to my room on the 9th floor to talk with the nurse in
charge of my care.  I had to be transported in a hospital bed because of my weak state.
I had mentioned to the nurse on the 9th floor before leaving, that if the ultrasound turned out to show the baby in distress, I would really need to be transferred to a non-shared room so I could cope with the news in privacy.  As I was being pushed down the hall back
to my room, we came across one of the nurse assistants with a cart containing my belongings, and she informed us that they were moving me to a different room – so at that point I knew that my fears were confirmed.  The tears began to flow freely.

I need to leave it at that for now, and share more of the story later. Emotionally this is all I can get out.  But I do want to add a couple e inspirational  comments from facebook that really touched my heart today. All of your comments touched my heart, thank you, but these ones stood out as moments of spiritual clarity for me:

Jeanie I love you. You are such a fun, happy and generous mom. Your spirit is unique and beautiful. Your many children rejoice to call you mom. You have done exactly what was your mission and you have stored up tremendous blessings for yourself for the millennium. You join many of us who have a ready made family waiting for us to join them in a more beautiful world than this one. Well done good and faithful Mommy! (Julie Olsen)

Hoping you will feel God’s arms of love around you to bring comfort and peace. And loved ones arms around you to bring you strength. So sorry to hear of your loss. I’ll send more thoughts later. (Laurine Jack)

Jeanie, I want you to know how proud I am of you  for even trying to have another baby after all the heartache you’ve had. I have been telling my missionaries that you are one of the bravest, most valiant women I know. I have really been grieving the last few days. I am so sorry that you have this result after all faith and hopes for this baby. The Lord will compensate for all of our heartaches by and by. It’s just very hard for now.
(Susan Anderson)

I HAVE DEFINITELY FELT LIFTED UP BY THE PRAYERS AND LOVE OF ALL OF YOU NEAR AND FAR.  I HAVE ALSO FELT THE LOVING ARMS OF ANGELS WRAPPING ME WITH WARMTH AND COMFORT.  MY CHILDREN AND HUSBAND HAVE PROVIDED ME THE MOST LOVE I COULD EVER ASK FOR. THOUGH THEY ARE GRIEVING ALSO, MY WELL BEING HAS BEEN THEIR MAIN CONCERN.  (Jeanie)

I will continue to use this blog as a place to share thoughts as I cope with the transition back into “normal life”.  Feel free to check back if you want, and leave comments if you wish.  Also there are some other older posts from the past couple years if you are interested.  Love you all.  - Jeanie Anderson

My opportunity to share my heart at MOPS

A couple weeks ago I was given the opportunity to share a 10 minute “testimony” at MOPS (Mother’s of pre-schoolers at the First Baptist Church regarding some life experience that has helped me to learn to trust in God.  Several family members and friends expressed interest in reading my prepared comments, so I have decided to post it here on this blog.  Usually when I speak in church, I don’t write out the whole talk, I just jot down the main points and scriptures that I want to use.  However with this talk, I decided to write it all down and read it word for word.  Mostly because of the sensitive nature of the topic, I thought it would help me better keep my composure, and stay on track with what I wanted to share. So, here goes:  (you will need to look up the scriptures on your own bec. I am too lazy to type them all in to the text here.)

“Hello, this evening I want to share with you a few things that the Lord has been teaching me thes past few years.  Often, God uses experiences in our lives to teach us valuable truths, and I usually learn best be experience.  I have always believed that I am a child of God, and that He has a plan and purpose for my life…yet when difficult events and challenges arise in life, I still find myself questioning, “Why?”  At these times of uncertainty, these is one powerful scripture that calms my soul. (Proverbs 3:4-5)

By way of introduction, since many of you I have not met personally, my name is Jeanie Anderson.  My husband Garrett and I just celebrated our tenth anniversary in March.  We have two adorable sons.  Actually, I think they would prefer I describe them as handsome.  Solomon is 8 yrs. old, about to finish 2nd grade, and Jeremiah is a very confident 6 yr. old who has informed me that he is ready to go to third grade with his brother since he already knows all that 1st and 2nd grade stuff.  Our little family moved to Branson almost two years ago from Centralia, IL.  We love living here and have enjoyed a very happy two years filled with joy and healing.  Unfortunately, we can’t speak as fondly of the two years which preceded our moving here.

The first half of 2008 was a challenging time where I was facing daily struggles with my health, but those struggles were all related to being pregnant with our third child, so life was also filled with joyful anticipation.  Six months of hopeful preparation led to intense sorrow as we found out that our hopes would not be realized.  The reason I have chosen to share this very personal story today is to help me obtain closure on these events, and to assist any of you who may have experienced similar sorrow.  Or, if you have friends or family members who might need your support and comforting influence through the trial of miscarriage or a stillborn birth I would hope my words today might give you more insight into what they are going through.    (five more pages to go…wow, how did I pack this all in to ten minutes. I must have spoken quickly)  TO BE CONTINUED…

April 22nd 2012:  I never did get back to this and finish the post. I still have the handwritten notes somewhere and when they resurface I will come back in and type
out the rest.  The basic focus of my message was explaining how my understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ deepened through dealing with sorrow and pain. I shared several bible scriptures and the one I kept coming back to was in Isaiah, “Surely He hath
born our griefs and carried our iniquities, and with his stripes we are healed.”

Interesting timing that I would be coming back to this post today, since I have just returned from the hospital, having gone through, yet again the loss of an unborn baby,.
I was planning to write a blog explaining what happened to refer people to as they ask
about it these next couple weeks so that I don’t have to keep explaining again and again.
It was not any easier this time, but I had so much love and support from others, that I felt
strengthened and better able to cope with the grief. Of course this is only the beginning of
a likely long process of feeling sorrow over this loss.  I am hoping I can do better this time at avoiding depression, and focussing on the blessings I can now enjoy in my life because I am healthy. And of course, concentrating on the miracle that live in my house already.  These little boys are amazing, and they give me strength and hope every day!

So many thoughts, too little time

For the past 10 days, I have been travelling around various parts of the country spending time with several family members who I love dearly. (CA-AZ-UT-MO-IL) and tomorrow I will travel back home to Branson, after being away from my kids for far too long. The amazing thing about this trip, was all these States were accomplished with one R.T. plane ticket, into CA on the outbound, out of AZ for the return trip with a 3 hour stop over in SLC, UT where I got to see my parents. After arriving back in Kansas City, I took a train/bus combo to get to Normal, IL where I am writing this from now. Yesterday I spent 2 hours in Gramps Anderson’s dental chair as he worked on repairing my teeth yet again due to my lack of flossing. (my pondering from the dental chair is a topic for another blog entry) For today’s blog, here is my focus – It is time for me to kick start my self-discipline! A few ways that goal can be accomplished in tangible terms are: daily flossing, eliminating chocolate consumption from my life, praying on my knees every morning and with my family every night, and always taking a deep breath and thinking through my response before reacting in anger to my kids when they misbehave. It may not be time for New Year’s resolutions…but I am making some anyway. After all, it is the season of Easter which represents our new life in Christ. He truly is the source of all transformation in our lives. He sends us the Comforter to assist us and strengthen us as we seek to become more like him. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Recently I heard a definition for peace as feeling complete, with nothing missing. This is a perfect segue to the next part of this blog.

Garrett has not had peace these past few days as he went home to our not yet moved into house and had to search through many boxes for the things that he needed for himself and the boys. In our new house, everything he needed seemed to be missing, though he knew most of it was there somewhere. How often are we like that in our own lives, spiritually speaking? Having been raised in the gospel, served a mission, attended BYU, and having sat through over 1500 Sacrament meetings and Sunday School classes throughout my life…I know deep down inside this spirit of mine I have all the tools I need to “put off the natural man, and become a Saint through the Atonement of Christ” yet so often I just can’t find where I put that patience, kindness, humility or diligence when I need it. The key is to allow Christ to help us every day. He will provide for us that which we need, He will make order of our chaotic thoughts, He will ultimately be the one to change us through his Atoning Power. We need to prepare ourselves to be guided by His Holy Spirit, and this we can do through those things I listed above, learning as much as we can and spending time communing with our Father in Heaven in Prayer in the name of His Son Jesus Christ. But, the ultimate change and progress will only come through Christ, we can not do it ourselves. (See Mosiah 2) Just as King Benjamin said, “Ye can not say that yet are even as much as the dust of the earth; yet ye were created of the dust of the earth; but behold it belongeth to him who created you.” v. 25 I want to close this blog entry with verses 20-22 of the same chapter. This is such amazing stuff we have here in the Book of Mormon. I think I take it for granted far too often. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have given us all the tools we need to become more like Them, but it is required of us to learn these things, act upon them, then continue to trust in God and seek for His guidance day to day. Okay, now for the scriptures v. 20-22 “I say unto you my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another, I say unto you that if you should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, and even supporting you from one moment to another, I say ye should serve him with all your whole souls, yet ye would be unprofitable servants. And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandemnts, and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land…” (The whole chapter is amazing I reccomend that you read it all very soon) Thanks for reading. Till next time! -Jeanie

Monte’s Wish

Monte Fogelquist, 8, feels the water inside his new hot tub for the first time Thursday afternoon with the help of his mother, Claire. The hot tub, which was installed earlier that day, was made possible through Make-A-Wish Foundation.  (from an article in the Tri-Lakes news last summer)

Our friend Monte

Doug and Monte 2010

These are two of our friends, Doug and Monte. My blog post today will be about my young friend Monte, with a few mentions of his heroic parents and little sister.

During the month of February, Monte spent 24 of its 28 days in the hospital. The first part of his time there, it was determined that his apendix was the source of the pain, so they gave him and emergency apendechtomy. However when improvement in his condition did not come quickly enough following his surgery, and other concerns were showing up in his blood levels and blood pressure, etc. He was taken by ambulance from Springfield to St. Louis Children’s hospital where he and his mom spent the next three weeks, with a couple of visits from his dad and very concerned little sister.

Monte is a kid that has lots of friends. In his 9 years of life so far he has touched the lives of many with his strong spirit and his smile. He had hundreds of people praying for him, and sending him cards and gifts while he was in the hospital.

Monte’s mom, Claire, is one of my closest friends here in Branson. I found that several nights as I followed their saga via facebook and text updates, I struggled to sleep as I worried about this little boy and his mom sitting by his bedside. I thought of the few times I had sat with my own sick little boys, not wanting to see them in pain, and hoping and praying they will get better soon. I tried to imagine what it would be like day after day, to try and comfort your child from pain that can’t really be treated with typical pain relief methods because of the risk of seizures which all to often occur in Monte’s little body.
As Claire and Monte have done many times before, both survived the ordeal, and are back home now trying to get back to life as normal as it can be with such complex medical needs. Claire is calling it “the new normal” and referring to Monte as the “2011 Version” with new gadgets and medications. This strong boy has had 28 surgeries in his life, and three of them were within the last month. There may be many more yet to come, however he and his parents will face the trials with strength and appreciation for every day they get to spend together.

Last Thursday was Claire’s birthday. Some of her friends decided to throw her a girl’s night party at my house, which was a very welcome three hours away from caring for the needs of her son. Most of the time, we tried to avoid the topic of the past month in the hospital, but she did spend a few minutes giving an update. All 15 ladies in attendance were eager to hear how he was doing, and how things had gone with the surgeries. As Claire was concisely explaining the series of events and the complex needs that are a part of the “new normal” in caring for him, I was watching the sympathetic faces of these women as they listened. We are all in awe of Claire’s strength and her love for her kids. Doug is a good guy too, who works hard to support the family, and took care of his 4 year old little girl while her mom and brother were away. As could be expected, since Claire’s return to Branson, Piper has not wanted to leave her side.

One last story that Claire shared with us. When Monte first had to be rushed to the hospital over a month ago, both parents went along so Piper went to stay with some friends. The dad of the family asked her, “are you okay to stay with us for a while?” Piper said, “yea, its fine. I don’t really need parents. I can take care of myself, but my Monte needs them to take care of him right now.” So sweet. Though I have a lot of questions about why certain people are asked to go through certain types of suffering during mortality…one thing I know for sure. Those who have faith in Jesus Christ are strengthened by him which enables them to endure more than ever would be possible on their own. Our friends the Fogelquists are full of faith, and love. I am proud to call them my friends.